Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

Terribly Tuesday.

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.