Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.