Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
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My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
when u come home smelling like another dog
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Effort made
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
