Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
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No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
the chicken was already gone when I got here
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.