Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.