Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels