1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
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Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[in the club]
Me: did it hurt?
Cute Girl: excuse me?
Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?
Cute Girl: yes it did.
Me: once again I am so sorry.
BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime
ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—
BRUCE: Bring me a cape
Hitman: Hey what’s up
Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!