day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
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The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.