@Lilblack_heart

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

@Marlebean

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

@Coolisiana

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

@glamrockgoth

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@NewDadNotes

[in the club]

Me: did it hurt?

Cute Girl: excuse me?

Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?

Cute Girl: yes it did.

Me: once again I am so sorry.

@fordm

BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime

ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—

BRUCE: Bring me a cape

@Sean_Burgundy_

Hitman: Hey what’s up

Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again

@daniel_shaw

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

@jaboukie

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

@Daniel_Sloss

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!