Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
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there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.