Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.