Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
The Friday File.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I got soap in my shower beer again.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
