Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
🔥🔥
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
