Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

Me too 😆

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name