Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
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Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws