Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
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Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Punctuation Matters. Period.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.