Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
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Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having