Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason