Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
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For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
become ungovernable
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
neighborhood watch
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.