Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

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Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.


*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*


“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”


Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.


Area man gains z axis, becomes volume man, won’t stop yelling


BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light


You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.

How ionic.


[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:

M: will you please just take medicine??

H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??

M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!


maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration


I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.