Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
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*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
“I’ll just check.”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Area man gains z axis, becomes volume man, won’t stop yelling
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.
[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:
M: will you please just take medicine??
H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??
M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.