Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.