Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”