Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no