Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
just make the entire table out of coaster
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside