Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

When the stylist spins you back around

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

Drive like no one is watching.

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone