Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
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Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
*launders Kohls cash*
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid