Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
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*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
hmmm
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Batman v Dracula
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆