Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
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Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I think about this a lot
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.