Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
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I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
hardest line in real life
liiiiiiiiike
Bruh 😂
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
never ask a starfish for directions
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.