Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

What in the hipster hell is going on here

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

Thank heavens for community notes

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.