Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving