Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

Buck naked

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin