(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
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I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.