(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
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You deplete me
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”