(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
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My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
He took my last fry, your honor
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
December birthdays be like…
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”