Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
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Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.