Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
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Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Always this one for me forever
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh