Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

cry laughing at this shit

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.