Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still laughing at this stupid meme

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking