Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.![]()
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Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
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Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this