Day 2 of my diet
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Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
they really wanted me dead for this
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.