Day 2 of my diet
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The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right