Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.