Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.