Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For real 🤣

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.