[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
You Might Also Like
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.