[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
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The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Expect the unexporcupine.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”