Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
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I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted