Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

When your parents check you’re ok.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.