Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

genius

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

How do I get a job writing these texts

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order