Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.