Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

become ungovernable

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Me recordaron éste meme

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?