Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

Breaking news:

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”