Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

It’s an epidemic…

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

What

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

🤔😂😂

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

My love language is deader than Latin

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?