Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
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“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Selfie
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
