Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!