Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
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Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies