Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*