Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
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Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”