Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
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so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”