Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
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I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.