Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
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Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be