Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

ATMs should have breathalyzers

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.