Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
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me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking