Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
You Might Also Like
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Seems kinda suspicious
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good