Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

see you in hell you stupid fruit

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

#catsoftwitter

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor