@simoncholland

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

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@AimeeHelene1

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

@CulturedRuffian

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

@PatsATweetin

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

@chrellsangel

Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.

@AbbieEvansXO

GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit

@AristotlesNZ

Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own
5yo: Ok
Me:.
5yo:.
Me:.
5yo: How do I do that?

@stevevsninjas

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

@Iwriteforcats

Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?