Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
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Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.