Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.
GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit
Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own
5yo: How do I do that?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?