Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
tag yourself
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”