Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
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Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.