Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
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Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.