Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
You Might Also Like
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
When he asks for feet pics
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.