Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
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Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate