Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
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I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”