Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
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Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.