Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

- @PleaseBeGneiss

You Might Also Like


*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses


Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.


People always say “Wow, your baby looks so much like you,” as though it’s supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.


Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.


I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!


I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.


*walks up to give eulogy*
*pulls notes out of pocket*
“Frank was a weirdo that bit his toenails.”
*folds notes*
*sits back down*


Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no


The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO


[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”