@PleaseBeGneiss

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

- @PleaseBeGneiss

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@Heaterhotusus

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

@BuglegsMcWalshy

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

@adamrensch

People always say “Wow, your baby looks so much like you,” as though it’s supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.

@LostFelicia

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

@JoshuaHvr

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

@Terry_maximo

[funeral]
*walks up to give eulogy*
*pulls notes out of pocket*
“Frank was a weirdo that bit his toenails.”
*folds notes*
*sits back down*

@Megatronic13

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

@NicCageMatch

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

@Spaziotwat

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”