Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
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Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”