Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
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“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Spotted in the wild
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.