Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?