Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas