Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults