Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
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ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Risking my life for fun.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Was it something I said?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser