@BigJDubz

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

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@ChaseMit

Just found out Fox News’s website has a Science section, which I assume links to a video of Sean Hannity screaming at a biology textbook.

@LeahsLounge

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

@david8hughes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

@waydybee

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

@704919828

Apparently googling “how to get suspended with pay” from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.

@reallifemommy3

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

@HenpeckedHal

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

@neiltyson

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

@uhhmmily

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

@TheTweetOfGod

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.