Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
You Might Also Like
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad