Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
You Might Also Like
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Tier 3 meme
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Can’t stop laughing
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager