Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

operators are standing by to ignore your call

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches