@hippieswordfish

[day 38 on the ark]
NOAHS WIFE: we’re out of food
NOAH: don’t worry, i have a contingency plan
UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that

You Might Also Like

@Beer4AGoodTime

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

@Jdxthompson

When I say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth

@Aredubbleyou

I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it’s 7:30 already. You’re gonna be late for work.

@Book_Krazy

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.

@GavinProbably

Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.

@astutenewf

When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.