I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
[day 38 on the ark]
NOAHS WIFE: we’re out of food
NOAH: don’t worry, i have a contingency plan
UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that
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me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
When I say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth
the goat of all dad jokes
I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it’s 7:30 already. You’re gonna be late for work.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.
Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.