Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
A small tragedy.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.