Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

🥲

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

…..pretty much.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.