Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.